One REALLY long post...

Several months ago I made the decision to sell my Stroller Strides franchise in St. Louis. It was the hardest decision I've made in my life thus far. Two of the moms in my class are purchasing it from me. The official transfer happens on September 1. I have wanted to write a post about my decision to sell it for a while and just haven't had time. I'm writing it tonight because as September 1 draws closer, I feel like I need to write everything out so I can clear my mind and remind myself why I made the decision. This post really isn't for anyone but myself...so I can organize the million thoughts and emotions going through my head lately (and I'd be surprised if anyone makes it to the end...it's long!). It certainly has been an emotional roller coaster. So here is why I have decided to sell my Stroller Strides franchise (in no particular order; I'm sure my brain will be working faster than my fingers and everything will just come out):

I said no particular order but the top reason is more time with God and my family. For 2.5 years I have worked basically from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I was either taking care of kids, housework & everything that involves, or working on Stroller Strides. Or in most cases a combo of 2 or 3 of those things. I wasn't a working mom that was able to work while my kids were being watched by someone else. I was a business owner who had to run an entire business while my kids slept. I was with my kids all day; they went to work with me and they were at home with me. I haven't watched T.V. or read a book for pretty much 2 years. Breaks are basically non-existent for me. I had a lot of time with Andrew and Ella, but not quality time because I was trying to do a million other things. And my time with Matt was very rare.

It is extremely hard in today's society not to get caught up in the busy life, trying to show how much you can do. This is not what I want to do. Everyone else may notice for a minute that I can be a full time SAHM and run my own business and seem to have it all together, but everyone else is not who matters most. Who matters most is my family. I want my kids to remember that I was the best mom; not just great, but the best. I don't want to be running around all the time, always having something to do, running out of the house as soon as Matt runs in, constantly under pressure, not allowing my kids their time to be kids....and all this coming from a naturally busy person. I am by nature a busy body. I like to have something to do, but now that Andrew and Ella are in my life I have realized that there needs to be time where you stop and enjoy life. That is what I look forward to most....enjoying all the ordinary, everyday, special moments with Andrew and Ella. And being able to truly enjoy them without a constant pressure of running a business completely on my own. I am sure that Andrew, Ella, and Matt all sensed the stress I had and I think without it, our family will be much happier and definitely less chaotic.

I slowly watched myself become the wife and mother I didn't want to be. I did not like telling Andrew to give me a few minutes so I could sit at the computer and work, I didn't like that he probably felt I was putting work first, I didn't like that I didn't have time to make Matt's lunch, or spend time with Matt after the kids went to bed. I didn't like getting frustrated with Andrew because I just needed some time to work or even some time to breathe; he didn't understand that and it was not fair to him. I was too busy...I was trying to do too much...wife, mom, and business owner (yes, I know other people do it, but again I wasn't getting help with any of it and my kids were with me all day every day except an hour in the afternoon and 2 hours in the evening when they were sleeping). I was only able to put 50% into each of my roles because I had too much on my plate. I want to put 100% into being a mom and wife and I think I will now be able to do that.

Yes, I realize that I could have sent my kids to a daycare one or two days a week to give me time to focus on Stroller Strides, but I didn't want that. Kids are young for such a short time and I want to be with them as much as possible during that time. I want to be their primary care taker, teaching them our family values, watching their every new word, movement, and experience. I want to do learning and art projects with them and not leave it up to someone else. I want to end my day knowing I had quality time with Andrew, Ella, and Matt...and for me right now that means staying home with them full time (I know everyone is different). I really did try to work out several different schedules for getting work time and it just never happened. Things were too crazy and too busy.

I really want to have a 3rd baby. I could not imagine adding a 3rd baby into what our life looks like right now. I would have been in the nut house! And for me having another child is more important than owning a business. Again, it goes back to what I'm known for...when I leave this Earth, I would rather my kids say I was the best mom and Matt to say I was the best wife than for someone to say I was a good business owner. And I want to look back on this time and see it as family time and know that I was my children's primary influence.

I'm young and have my entire future ahead of me. Once my kids are in school I will have lots of time to have a career or even own another business....only God knows what the future holds. Right now I want and need to be home with my kids and make them my top priority. It is extremely hard for me to give up Stroller Strides; it's something that I love and have a passion for, but right now my kids need me and I need them. I will never get this time back in my children's lives. One thing that has made this difficult for me is that I feel like I have to say I can't do something, but I keep trying to remind myself that I can do it; I have done it for 2.5 years. I just think for now other things are more important in my life.

I have a friend who was recently telling me about a segment she heard on talk radio about career women who left to stay home with their kids. I don't remember exactly what was said but it was something along the lines of God calling them to stay at home even though they didn't feel they wanted to or thought they could do it. They really felt while their kids were young they needed to be home. That's how I feel. I loved owning Stroller Strides, but I really feel the pull to stay home and focus fully on God and my family right now. And I know God has great plans in my future and will allow me to succeed in all I do; He always has!

To me, a SAHM is a mom who focuses on her kids....sits and plays with them, reads to them, organizes learning and art activities for them, makes them a good, healthy lunch, models Godly behavior, teaches family values, teaches them a healthy lifestyle, has fun with them, provides a caring, loving environment. Okay, these are actually qualities of all moms, but what I mean is that as a SAHM I want to do all these things during the day when I am with my kids instead of watching T.V. or trying to do housework or in my case run a business. I want to focus on my kids. I do realize that I will most definitely need a break and won't be with them every moment of the day but I want to have the majority of the day to spend quality time with them. I have been a part time working mom/part time SAHM and full time SAHM/business owner. But other than the first 3 months of Andrew being born, I haven't just been a full time SAHM and I am looking forward to it. I know I will still be busy and I will definitely need some alone time and adult time, but I will be busy focusing on less and therefore hopefully better at what I'm doing.

Being a mom is the toughest and most rewarding job I have ever had. Kudos to all the moms out there. Every mom is different and the balance that is right for you, your children, and your family is a tough one to find. I hope that all moms are able to find a balance that works and truly gives them their heart's desires no matter what that may be. I am truly thankful that I am starting a new journey as a full time SAHM, even though it may mean sacrifices in other areas (we are actually considering no T.V. or Internet for at least 4 months).

And let's not forget Matt. 99% of the time when the kids are in bed I have to work. This leaves very little time with Matt. I am definitely ready to spend more time with him, enjoy his company, and grow closer to him. It will also give us more time as a family all together. Instead of me handing the kids over to Matt so I can work, we can spend that time together as a family.

Okay, so I've kind of gone astray from my reasons for selling my franchise. The above really is the essence of it...more time with my family and a less chaotic lifestyle. Another factor is the drive. It takes me about 40 minutes to get to class, so usually almost an hour and a half in the car. It wasn't too bad when it was just Andrew, but now that my time is split between Andrew and Ella, the 1.5 hours in the car gives me even less time with them. I also think I'm too nice to own a business. It's a tough business world out there and I'm just not an aggressive person. I know there were other small factors that lead to my decision but I think they have all been consumed by my top reason.

I think I really needed to write this tonight to just remind myself of my decision. There have been some things the past few days that have made me feel as though others have suggested I haven't done the best I can do with Stroller Strides or that it's going to be much better once I no longer own it. I know that none of the Stroller Strides moms realize how much work, effort, time, sweat, and passion I put into my Stroller Strides ownership because I didn't express it and I didn't make it known by telling them. I did what I had to do to make it work behind the scenes and hope that the moms could enjoy all the fun parts of Stroller Strides. I know that you should always serve God with a willing heart in all you do without needing to be recognized, but when everything is being thrown at you it's hard. It's hard to hear others talk about how much work they are doing for SS when I know I did that too even though others don't know. I did the best I could under my circumstances and that's what I have to remember. Yes, I have a fear that all my work will be forgotten and everyone will have a much better Stroller Strides experience with new owners. And yes it will be very hard for me to give up something that is "mine" and watch someone else take over. It will be hard to see where Stroller Strides goes knowing I wasn't able to make it happen. BUT I was the one with the guts to actually start a Stroller Strides franchise in St. Louis with no business experience, no fitness experience, NO idea how it would actually turn out, no idea how many moms I would have, or if it would be successful. Even if others don't remember, I will. I will also know that I have formed some great friendships that will last a long time.

I also feel like I have begun getting sucked back into the busy lifestyle of this society where you need to do it all...hearing everyone talk about how others are able to do it, etc. And then I feel like I need to be doing that, too. I have always been praised for my successes in academic areas...school, college, work, so I feel like I need to show that I can do it....I can own a business. But my life is different now. I need to show my kids so much more...all the other parts of me. And I don't want to live the worldly lifestyle, I want to live the Godly lifestyle. I want my kids, Matt, my family, and everyone who meets me to see God through me.

This post is probably completely scattered and moving from one topic to the next, but that's what my brain has been doing for months. Others may not understand what I'm trying to say, but I do and it has made me feel better to write it all out. And this is all completely how I feel about my circumstances and family....and I know everyone is different and different things/lifestyles work for different people. I don't typically share my deep down emotions with many people, so I'm surprised I'll actually publish this, but I think it's good for me. It's definitely past my bed time and this has taken me a long time to write, but I feel good. I need to stop worrying about what others think of me, what others think about other people, and start focusing on what God thinks of me. I'm ready to grow in my relationship with the Lord and let Him lead me in the life I need to be in right now and let Him guide me to be the mom and wife I need to be and let Him control my future. After all, He knows what's best for me better than I know what's best for me (I learned that in church last weekend :)). I'm feeling better after writing all this and hopefully now I can have restful night's sleep (something I haven't had in a long time).